For a long time, I wondered why women would get married even though they knew it wasn’t “the one” or wasn’t sure it was “the one.” I always though if a person isn’t sure, they just shouldn’t make that kind of commitment. After all, marriage is supposed to be forever, right?
Most of my life I was always so fixated on being sure because I never wanted to become another divorce statistic. However, I now know why most of them decide to sign that marital license and walk down the aisle without being sure.
It’s because they don’t want to end up like me – almost 40 and still not married and never having even had children. (And, it’s not like I didn’t have the opportunity, but rather that I just never felt inside like I knew for sure who I should choose.)
Even though I thought I was doing the right thing by not rushing into marriage, and for a long time believed (or thought I believed) there was someone out there for me, I see now why people don’t wait. Not many women want to be my age and still legally single and childless.
Integrity was important, but it didn’t get me what I wanted – at least not yet
I was told not to worry too much about getting married. It would just happen when it happens, and not to rush into it if I don’t know if the person is “the one”. Then, all of the sudden I’m in my md 30s, still single and being lectured that I might “miss out” on things such as having children or being happy.
Instead of being married to someone I love, I right now have to choose between settling and being totally alone. I still haven’t decided which is the worst option.
Was I wrong?
I’ve done and said things to turn men off at times, usually on purpose to drive them away. I can think of times I’m too embarrassed to recount when I did this, as a matter of fact. I think, maybe if I hadn’t said the wrong thing to one of the men who showed interest in me I’d have met and committed to Mr. Right by now.
On the other hand, I turned down a couple of proposals. It was partly because my dream wasn’t to be with a man who can’t even pay his rent. It reminded me too much of when my dad stayed in bed for days and couldn’t hold down a job. However, it’s also because I just didn’t get that feeling of “just knowing” like people always said I would get.
Since I never got that feeling of “just knowing,” I’m starting to think that whole you’ll “just know” line is just a myth. Besides, there was a time in my life I thought I knew who “the one” really was, but it never happened. In fact this happened to me at least twice in my life. It seemed like everything was lining up just right and God was telling me this was the person I was meant to be with, then it was one obstacle after another.
Who knows what went wrong. However, if there is even some small slim chance I haven’t missed my chance to be with “the one” then I would take it. I hope it happens at some point because I’m beginning to lose faith in love all together.
So now what?
If it weren’t for pining over a person I don’t know if I’ll ever even see again, I probably wouldn’t even have much motivation to live right now. On the other hand, I’m quite tired of having feelings for a person I can’t have next to me every night.
I’d give almost anything right now to have feelings for a person I can actually have. Right now, I am with someone who actually shows interest in me and has the balls to fight for me even when the relationship is not going well. I wished one of the half-dozen other men I could’ve been possibly married to had that kind of drive.
That’s something I always wanted, but now I want the feelings to come along with it. Being with someone and not having feelings is almost worst than being in love and then being rejected.