I'm tired of wondering-did he or will he repeat what he's done?
If my dad's gone I feel like I won't have to worry about it anymore. However, if I never find out the truth about who he really is, then how can I ever know what choices I should have made?
This comment I made on "When an Abuser Dies" tells a little bit more of my story--about how I have no idea if he ever repeated what he did to me for years on my twin sisters. I hope he hadn't, and I hope he's really sorry but I just don't trust him any more. I see too many signs that he's trying to control my sisters like he controlled me--which would be easy to do because they are autistic and can't get away.
All Those Years of Trying To Forgive Wasted
There's so much to my story that I haven't yet told. However, right now I feel like all those years I spent forgiving my dad and then sweeping what he did under the rug were wasted. However, what was I supposed to do?
Even one famous preacher (Joyce Meyers) whom I personally wrote a note to at a conference asking her opinion wouldn't give me an answer. She told me it would be "her opinion" but then gave me some scripture about how if it isn't done in faith it's sin.
I have no idea what that scripture means, so what good did that advice do me? However, I always wondered if I should've done more about this problem.
However, I'm not the only one. My mom should have as well. I didn't tell my teachers about it so they had nothing to go on, but she knew.
So Now What?
Nevermind the fact that years of my life have been wasted. Nevermind the fact that by the time I feel like I'm ready to have a good relationship I will be too old to have kids--all because of this. And why should I have to pay such a severe offense for something that happened to me?
Up until I found out my dad didn't get his social security money for three months in a row and felt like he had to run, I felt like I paid more for his crime than he had!
But What Good Would It Have Done?
What good would it have done for me to try to prosecute my dad? Would he have even gotten the punishment he wanted? Would he even have learned that what he did was wrong and just stopped--other than being in prison would he have stopped in normal life?
So Now What?
It may be too late for some things for me--like possibly not being able to get married before I'm too old to have a child of my own.
However, it's not too late for me to decide to figure out if I've done all that I can do. Therefore, I'm taking as much action right now as I possibly can. It's not even about justice anymore, but just about knowing I've done my part even though most people I know have not done theirs.
Why I'm Angrier Now More Than Ever
I wasn't as angry about this when I was 25 or younger, though I did have some anger problems. However, I think the effects of what happen to me are hitting me much harder than they did when I was younger.
Every hope, dream, and expectation tossed outIn the washed-up polluted sea it has gone
Down there it sinks and hides all the wrongDoing that caused more pain that it's worthKeeping a secret any more