After so many years of backsliding I've been trying to turn back to God. During this process, I realize what a spoiled brat I became. I'm not even sure how I fell into the trap of thinking I should have everything I want in life. It could be a result of outside influence, or it could be to compensate for all the lack experienced as a child.
I'm realizing now that it may be possible that I never really loved God for who He was, but rather what he could do for me. I thought I did love him, but maybe I never really did.
Note...another public apology...
I'm not sure what made me decide to become so transparent about all my struggles within the past few years. I suppose it's the idea that I have only one life to live, so what to I really have to lose? It could also be that I'm looking for greater accountability, in that if someone reads my posts especially on my bad days they will pray for me.
It could also be in hopes that my transparency helps other people. It may even be because I believe in that happy ending-that freedom from all sins of which I struggled with for years. Even if I haven't arrived to where I want to be in my walk with God, I have at least a grain of faith left to believe it's not too late for me.