Saturday, June 30, 2012

The Anxiety of Getting Old: Never Thought I'd Feel It

I'm single, so people wouldn't think of me as a person who would fit into the category of having a midlife crisis. However, I think that is what has happened to me within the past three years. The other issue is that I'm a woman, so people might not call it midlife crisis just because I'm female.

However, I don't know what else I would call it. I'm too old for an identity crisis, and too young-almost-even for early menopause. (In case you must know, I just turned 38 this year and am currently in a relationship but not planning to have children any time soon.)

All I know is I feel the anxiety of getting old earlier than other men and women because of the fact that I'm still single, and it's brought on life issues I never dealt with before...

  • Fear of not being able to bear children by the time I get married-if I ever do
  • Worry that I might be too unattractive to find a mate
  • Wondering if any guy will accept me if I'm too old to have kids when I meet the one/come time to be with the one
  • Anxiety about a guy saying he might love me even though he knows I might not be able to have kids, then he decides 5 to 10 years from now to dump me for someone who can
  • Doubting there is enough single people out there anymore, much less one for me
  • Apprehending the possibility of living alone and dying alone from now until the rest of my life
I had been at peace (so I thought) for about two years and counting about the fact I may never have a biological child, but now I'm afraid of being rejected by men...

What if one I want to be with can't accept the fact that I might be too old to have kids? I also wonder if maybe I waited way too long to get married, but is it really fair to always blame myself for the fact that I am single? 

I never thought I'd worry about things like this-especially worrying about not being able to give a man a child. I don't even want to date men who don't have children of their own already because of this. 

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