Did you ever hear about the concept of “writing to discover yourself?” I learned about that in a writing class in high school. That happened to me as I wrote “I know IShould Have Faith But...” Part I.
What I Discovered
By the time I was done with part one of this journal post I discovered I was still depressed about the fact that my grandma was gone even five months later. I'm handling it way better than I was when it first took place this past July, 2011. However, I have to admit to myself that it still bothers me that my grandma is gone.
It's interesting, because this is the most depressed I have been in at least a couple of years. It's been quite a bit harder for me for some reason lately to be as happy and content with my life as I used to be.
I enjoy my work, but everything else in my life pretty much sucks. Right now I'm seeing a guy who wants to be with me (not married but to be with me at least). But I don't love him. Therefore, even though I'm almost 38 years old (will be May 2012) I won't be able to think about marrying him or having kids.
Before the Above Occurred...
I had been in love at least seven times with men who thought I was nothing special, just average. That is, even though they had a low self-esteem and always complained that they were not good enough for me.
Almost all the men I dated had so much baggage from a past relationship that they were not as open to a new one as I would have liked the to be. It was that, or they just were not done sowing their wild oats, as they said in my time. In other words, they were not done “messing around.”
Oh, don't get me wrong. I also dated my share of needy men who supposedly were into saving sex for marriage and wanted to rush me into getting married. That was between 10 to 15 years ago. However, as it turns out, these supposed God-fearing men cared more about trying to get laid than they did about God or me.
It's tough to stay afloat and do all the right things and live the right way after suffering all that heartbreak. Oh, but I must admit I had and have issues. Because of some things that happened to me as a child I have a tendency to fall for men who have some kind of sexual addiction or another.
I used to complain about that, wishing I could find someone better. That was until I allowed myself to stoop to their level even though wish I never did.
It might be partially my fault that I'm 37 and a half and still single, without a child. However, for a long time I really tried to live the straight and narrow and was dumped quite a bit because the guys I dated did not want to live the straight and narrow.
There's no excuse for my more current actions, I know. However, it's a hard and lonely life always having to tell guys no. It seems these days that the best most women can hope for is to at least have someone who wants to stay with her. Forget about marriage for at least awhile. The woman must “prove” herself first.
It's too bad it has to be like this. I wish sex didn't matter to some men as much as love does. However, men like this are truly rare. Still, the fact that my grandma died had a huge affect on me. I was glad she is finally in a better place, but now I am very discontent with my life.