Friday, October 28, 2011

My First Love and Heartbreak

Continued from Some of my Breakup Stories, Cont. (Dump that Jerk blog)

This guy I gave the pseudonym “John” to was my first “real” boyfriend (the first one I made out with, the one I fell in love with, etc.). He broke up with me by way of a hand-delivered 'Dear Jane' letter:

Maybe we should split up for awhile and see other people. Maybe your dad’s right, you can find someone better....” read the last line.

At the time I had no idea what he was talking about, and I never thought to ask him about it. He tried to befriend me a few times after our breakup, but we never talked about our breakup until two decades later. I still feel somewhat like I wish I had real closure with him, because even after we talked about our breakup I didn't know what to think.

All these thoughts were running through my head. My first reaction was that he wrote in the note what he wrote just as an excuse...

However, later I realized John probably had a really low self-esteem at the time. Four years later he had called me and asked me if I wanted to go to dinner.

However, I had turned him down because I had just seen him in a restaurant where I worked with a female who was obviously not his sister. I had no idea why he was calling me if he was with her the day before. I wished that I would have at least found out.

Years later he said it was because he wondered what would have happened if we continued dating. The said thing is, we never really got much of a chance to have a second change because neither of us was single for long enough.

On the other hand, in high school a few months after we broke up...

On the other hand, I had a bad dream about him that he was a Satanist and a heroine user. At least one of those two was not far from the truth, as he had started a house on fire across the street from where one of my cousins used to live.

Also, I had heard through the grapevine that he had snorted cocaine and/or some other drugs-plus he liked heave metal. Wasn't my favorite kind of music.

As you can see, I had reasons for not wanting to go out with him then. I just wished we could have had a second chance or I wish I could find out if my dream meant it was a warning to stay away, or if it was just a nightmare.

We tried to make amends...

We tried to make amends, but it was hard. I feel like I have to take a break from him so I can enjoy being with my new boyfriend. Part of the problem was that he lives so far away, but part of it is that I just don't think he was that into me any more-as if he has enough women in his past he could go back out with. He doesn't need me. I know eventually I may have to let this all go.

I at least give up credit for not breaking up to me to my face. It's hard though. My ego is crushed, because I challenged him and he decided I wasn't worth the fight-at least that's how I feel. 

(I know I have to admit I went temporarily insane for awhile though, which I regret. I was just very frustrated. I was tired of having feelings for people I cannot have/am not meant to be with/who are totally wrong for me.)

After awhile right or wrong I thought, I get it. I do. I am just some ordinary, random person who is not really exciting enough for him to pursue.

It would have been easier to make amends with him back when I was still engaged. Why couldn't I have tried then, and not run into him at a very bad time-when I was just trying to get out of a bad relationship? 

My perspective if I were in a happy relationship when I saw him may have been a little bit bit different. Maybe I wouldn't have though he was such a bad person, but now I feel like I will never know. 

Oh well. All I know is I deserve to be happy and I pray that if he really wasn't the one that I just can be happy with the one I have now. I know I cannot expect everyone I was ever in love with to be in love with me. I guess it's time to let go.

Read True Confessions, a continuation of this story. 

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