Friday, October 28, 2011

Continued from "My First Love and Heartbreak": True Confessions

Continued from My First Love and Heartbreak.

I'm not sure if I should admit this, but I had been so distraught the past few years-tired of their being a reason someone doesn't want to be with me, or why we can't be together. At times I just didn't even want to know the truth about John, so sometimes I wouldn't read his replies to my e-mail.

Is that sick or what? I don't know. I don't know why I wanted to hang on. I couldn't bear for him to tell me he's going to reject me again, but it's time to let go. So that's what I must do. I'm ashamed to admit this, and I don't know why I was so crazy over him and not anyone else.

I am not sure why at all. Maybe I'm just feeling too old to be rejected by men who I never thought deserved me in the first place. But if I have a reason to feel bad, that is one of them. I'm not psycho or anything.

I just had been unusually stressed out, not wanting him or anyone how badly things were going for me for awhile. Therefore, I pushed him away because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction that I needed him, and of course I was trying not for him to feel guilty about the fact that he couldn't be there for me.

I also thought it would help me to just think of him as a bad person. If I did, it would end some confusion as to whether or not to ever give him another chance. 

Back to Some of my Breakup Stories...

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