Tuesday, March 9, 2010

What is Worse? Having a "Bad" Dad or Having a "Good" One?

I apologize that I don't address my readers as often as I like to. (Oftentimes I am too busy doing "grunge work" that I need to do to make a living that it's hard to find the time to write about what I'd really like to write about.)

I figured I would now though because I feel this is important enough to take a break from the "daily grind" (no offense to the client who supplies my "bread and butter." I hope I don't get fired. LOL)

I have an interesting question that may "throw" some of my readers (if I even have any)...

I have been pondering this question: What is worse? Having a "bad" dad or having a "good" one? Either way as a teenager a girl seems to just all around get the short end of the stick.

Please don't ask me why I bring this up. It just has to do with the fact that some people have really good dads who treat their daughters with kindness, respect, and dignity and STILL they end up with abusive husbands!

This is not the status quo because usually women attract men who are just like their fathers but nonetheless it is an issue that needs to be addressed. And...I am hoping by the end of this long-winded blog posting you will have understood how this could actually be possible.

When I think about this I wonder to myself: What is worse? Having a "bad" dad or having a "good" one? And the reason why is this...

If you have a "bad" dad you could get used to being treated that way and every guy that comes into your life could be exactly like him. On the other hand, there could be a point in your life if you grew up with a "bad" father that you may have finally gotten sick of being mistreated and abused.

Of course the question comes in and that is this: What is the definition of a "bad" dad?

My personal answer to this question is that a "bad" dad would be one who is abusive (either sexually, physically, verbally, emotionally, or all of the above). It would also be a dad who is overly controlling or strict and never allows a young girl/woman as a teenager or young adult to make her own decisions.

The "double whammy" of this "bad" dad phenomenon would be this: A dad who is both overly-controlling and strict AS WELL AS abusive!! Talk about a confusing message! If you are a person who grew up in an inconsistent household you can only imagine how difficult it can be to even learn how to make decisions after living in an environment like that for sooo long!!

The (Possible) Outcome of having a "bad" dad...

It could be any number of things. It could be that later in life you attract one guy after another who is abusive, strict, controlling, condescending, belittling, devaluation, or any number of things.


It could be that by the time you met the "man of your dreams" you were truly tired of the B.S. the abuse the games and so on and ended up with someone who is a TOTAL OPPOSITE of your dad!!

And, oftentimes if you have met someone who is the total opposite of your "bad" dad then you are the one who has to keep your self in check! You know why? You run the risk of being the abusive one! Of treating him like total dirt!! Beeeeee caaareful...women!!

The REAL Truth...

Women who have abusive and/or controlling fathers often end up with someone who in some ways has the same traits as their fathers. This person may not be EXACTLY like their dad was but in some ways (in a bad way or even a good way) just like him.

But this is NOT necessarily always the case! We have to remember that there is an exception to every "rule" or "stereotype" in life.

Of course though as I write this I can say I am not a scientist. I am sharing partly from personal point of view as well as from what I have observed from people around me.


Now...onto the analysis (or should I more correctly say my "personal observation" of someone who has had a "good" dad)....

Now, the definition of a "good" dad is often quite a mystery. What really does make a good dad? Well, I would say it is someone who does his best to provide, love, and care for his children without abusing them and while allowing them to be able to make age-appropriate decisions for themselves.

This does not mean that at times he is not going to be overly-worried about his children. It also does not mean that he is not going to feel some sort of protectiveness against his daughter.

And speaking of "protectiveness" there is a find line between having a daughter's best interest in mind and trying to "control" a situation. No parent is perfect and even "good" dads make mistakes!!

I myself would say a "good" dad would allow his children (especially girls) enough freedom to think for her selves when she is a teenager. Yet, he would know (most of the time) when to step in and when to back off.

I also thing a "good" dad would know that he cannot control the outcome of what his daughter decides to do. And he also would be the kind of person who would not blame himself if his daughter does not always make the right choices in life.

And, he is the kind of person who would be concerned, but not judgmental of the choices his daughter makes. But this does NOT mean that a "good" dad is always going to be "perfect" either!!! However, he is quick to apologize when he is wrong and always willing to make things right even if he does not always do right by his daughter.

The Disadvantage(s) of having a "Good" Dad

Well, again this depends upon the definition of a "good" dad. Because, some people mistakenly believe that a "good" dad is one who spoils his daughter rotten. One who can "buy" his daughter any d*mned thing. (Sorry overly-religious people for alluding to a swear word!!) However, this is not the true meaning of a "good" dad.

It is hard to define what a "good" dad is if you want to know the truth. The reason why is because there are so many people who have "bad" dads. The best definition I can give is that which I have provided above: It is one who truly love his daughter and does his best to provide for her. It is also one who allows her at least close to the amount of freedom she is capable of at her age and/or emotional and psychological development level.

The disadvantages of having a "good" (not "perfect") dad are as follows...

No man you meet may ever be good enough for you. He could be hardworking and treat you with kindness and love but...I don't know...he may just not ever measure up to your "real" dad.

The problem here is that women need to "leave and cleave" like the Bible says to do. I man leaves his home and a women leaves hers. Then they are husband and wife.

However, sometimes teenage and/or young adult woman can be totally naive. They might think/expect every man to treat them as well as their dad(s) treated them.

They might not even realize that not everyone is like their dad. Not every guy is as "good" as their dad. Therefore, even if they have had an all-around or at least "for the most part" they have had a "good" dad they may still have problems. And why?

Well, the reason why is even "good" dads are not perfect. They may be kind most of the time and stern most of the time when they need to be. This does not change the fact that when a daughter is beginning to experience love and life for herself she may not see a man as her father sees him.

The very dramatic and shocking conclusion:

The way a daughter feels about a potentially abusive and controlling boyfriend...is this right or wrong? It depends. Everyone deserves love. Even psychopaths. That is, they deserve the kind of love that God would give them even on their death beds (i.e. in case of being close to dying as a result of receiving capital punishment such as euthanasia for crimes they commit).

However, does it mean that a woman should marry this man they supposedly love? Should they have his children? I am venturing to guess that if everyone who has married or dated an abusive man who "knew" that he would treat them badly or at the very worse attempt to kill them had anything to say about it...chances are they would say they regret marrying them or having their children.

So, my response to this is there is a HUGE difference between AGAPE love and ROMANTIC love. AGAPE love encompasses all that is "unconditional" that we have affection for a person but that DOES NOT Mean we have to take that person's crap and... we REFUSE to be abused!!! It also does not mean that we are required or obligated to stay with or stay married to a person who continually hurts us or abuses us either!!!

That is, if we as WOMEN-or MEN-have ANY OUNCE of respect for ourselves...We would WAKE UP and realize...that though we may genuinely LOVE a person...that person may not be capable of LOVING us the same way in return. Should we feel bad about that?

Well...only if we ABSOLUTELY feel we have to feel bad about it!!! Otherwise, I'd personally say we should stand up for ourselves and realize that God wants the best for each and every one of us!!

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